YDec31 2011 05.33

Since ive been stalkin yu a lot lately, i juz realized our differences. They struck me.

yu have friends.
i've none

your look, its like you never aged. Yu seem like yu have no real probs.
me ~i look like i aged twice. Lots of issues. family, financial, depression, frustrations etc

yu seem to have a very possitive outlook in life
me, i don't care

lookin back
you're a different person now, someone i barely know. Yu've forgotten even my name.
ive stayed the same, delusional. chose to live in my fantasies, in the past. in our mem'ries, juz to be able to put on a real smile.

yu look perfectly happy
me ~im ultimately lost

YDec30 2011 06.18

magkano kea magpaconsult sa psychiatrist

YDec30 2011 06.16

i guess i have always wanted to be found..
-just the sad truth is..
no one wants to find me.

YDec30 2011 04.48

startin nu year i'll txt yu,
that will somehow lessen my torment/

dont worry i aint plannin/hopin nethin...
maybe simple goodmorning/goodnight everyday..

hope that won't bother yu..

god help me.whoever god you maybe.

YDec29 2011 12.11

then i've learned to be there for yu
from afar..

YDec29 2011 05.30

this season never fails to make me cry..gifts all around..

and i have none. i hate this f*ckin feelin of wantin presents. I've always longed for someone older to give me a surprise gift. ang babaw. parang tanga. i know. but this is how i feel. i pity myself. if only i can ask him to give me something. ill be happy forever.

YDec28 2011 00.40

i started giving out xmas gifts to my colleagues...

and here i am..

feelin..i dont know...

blank...
sorta
indiffirent
=(


sa pagkablangko ko nagawa ko pang mami yung yakisoba ko sa pantry. grrrah T.T

YDec27 2011 24.00

"Tied Together With A Smile"

Seems the only one who doesn't see your beauty
Is the face in the mirror looking back at you
You walk around here thinking you're not pretty
But that's not true, cause I know you...

[Chorus:]
Hold on, baby, you're losing it
The water's high, you're jumping into it
And letting go... and no one knows
That you cry, but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone

I guess it's true that love was all you wanted
Cause you're giving it away like it's extra change
Hoping it will end up in his pocket
But he leaves you out like a penny in the rain
Oh, cause it's not his price to pay
Not his price to pay...

[Chorus x2]

You're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone... oh
Goodbye, baby
With a smile, baby, baby


~Melancholy

YDec25 2011 11.59

sana ngayong pasko ~ay maalala mo parin ako :(

YDec20 2011 11.45

araw araw maghihintay

tama na sakin ang minsay, binigyan mo ng pagasa. Basta't mahal kita~ ang corny
:(

YDec19 2011 15.27

"Helena's Promise" is originally called as "Scent of a Woman." It tells the story of Helena, a mid-age woman who is diagnosed with cancer and yet to die six months later.

Story of how one embraces the remaining months of her life.

This Koreanovela has been buggin me for weeks tuwing pinapalatastas sya. Dahil sa theme at bida pa si Kim Sun Ah. Dun wanna start talkin bout how "Kim Sam Soon" is to me.

wut will i do if my life were to end...

YDec19 2011 05.06

PREVIEW:
my late gift on progress~

YDec19 2011 1.20

so cute..it makes me sad :(, a photo by A Broken Flame on Flickr.

buy me this..



puleeees...
:(

YDec18 2011 13.57

how can one feel the exact feeling six years ago..?

YDec18 2011 11.11

i think i just saved my millionth distressed recording bout yu. :(

YDec18 2011 10.24

masaya ka kaya kay MakMak?
damn-

YDec18 2011 10.20

 yu know the feelin of wantin to let the person know everything? the truth?

but that person doesnt remember yu anymore?

i just want to stop..really.

 tapos tatawagin ako ni mama. It feels like im caged. I wonder when my life will end.

YDec17 2011 04.04

 When we meet again I’ll ask you how you’re doing

And you’ll say fine and ask me how I’m doing..



And then I’ll lie and I’ll say ordinary,
                                It’s just an ordinary day.

YDec16 2011 01.01

 
  i aged a lot
:(

YDec15 2011 11.07

 the day will come when yu'll realize they're all gone, except me. :(

YDec14 2011 12.49

 HAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ANG LUNGKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTT!!!!!!!
GRRRRRR

:(
:(
:(
:(
:(

ang lakas pa ng ulan :(

YDec14 2011 12.32

   sigh...
i don't know what to write...
   i just feel heavy
;(

YDec13 2011 16.47

     off to our place again~

YDec13 2011 05.35

   Exactly six years ago, yu officially came and changed my life forever.

I never thought someone would be willing to spend their supposedly special day with me,

just me.


That made yu earn the best spot in my heart, yep it's unconditional.
I can remember the first time I saw yu. That was epic. I told myself yu'll be the last brother i'll ever have. Yure my dream who finally came to breath.

Naaalala ko nasa third floor ka, yu were lookin on the nervous me, frantically jumping. Kuyang kuya talaga. Alam mo yung kitang kita mo ko pero ikaw di ko matitigan. I didn't know what to do when yu were getting down, gusto ko na sanang umuwi kasi natataranta na ko di ko alam ang gagawin. I was about to meet the person i've been dreamin to meet for all my life. Para kasing di ko kakayanin.

pero nginitian mo ko.. .

salamat.

kaya umakyat tayo sa tapat ng Karate.Kid*syet naiiyak aku*
...ng hindi naguusap..
GRAAAA that moment was so awkward!!! That's why we exchanged sms even if we were just side by side. That was crazy. .I texted I'm so shy and already ashamed, but yu said i'm cute *na hanggang ngayun di ko alam kung loko lg yun* / ikaw nga yung cute lalo po nung ngumiti ka. Then yu spoke first, tinanong mo kung kakain tayo. First time I heard yur voice personally.  Parang natatanggap ko ng totoo ngang kasama kita.. 

We ordered chicken and beef mami ..we even made fun of the chinese egg!  Yu gave me portion of your food and yu ate on my bowl too.. then i noticed  yu kept the tissue paper on yur wallet. Shit! sa imagination ko lang noon nakikita yung mga nangyari satin sa Karati.Kid eh. Naisip ko anu kayang nangyayari sa taong to baket parang pinapahalagahan nya ko. .at yung moment na magkasama kami. Kasi diba yung mga tissue na tinatago as keepsake ay sa Elementary/Highschool days lg or pag mahalaga sayu yung kasama mo -as remembrance.

Siguro hindi ganun yung intensiyon mo pero ganun naramdaman ko..

salamat.

We walked out of the resto, I just had the best meal ever. Di lang abot tenga yung ngiti ku. Mula entrance gang kabilang exit po ng mall...ay hindi, mula Pinas gang Pluto po! GRAAAA!! Hindi parin! AAAH basta yung pinakamalayo na lg sa buong lahat lahat!!

Off to the cinema, we chose to watch The Exorcism of Emily Rose..I can remember one scene na nagulat ako at tinignan mo pa ko. haaayz. Then I remembered we needed to go someplace fast dahil magsasara na yung mall. Naalala ko hinawakan kita sa kamay at hinila kita sa Tronix.. then I heard yu whispered "sabi ko na nga ba eh"..kasi matagal na kita inaawitan ng picture nun pra lagi kita kasama..

kung sayu tissue, picture po ang keepsake ko..
Pumili tau ng layout/design...then napili nga naten yung On Air 21

Salamat po sa pag ngiti sa litrato
*shit ayaw tumigil ng luha ko!!!!!*

It was already dark but we still decided to go to Fort Santiago.. We passed the  underpass and I told yu I dont know the way.. sabi mo ikaw alam mo..  Nakakagulat ka tlga, ang lakas mo maka Kuya image.. .yung know all type at di ako mapapano kapag kasama ka.. sigh..
when we were crossing the ruins it started rainin. Pero isa lang payong naten nuon.. yung maliit na payong ko, kaya sikisikan tayu sa payong na yun. I can see it now as i am writing this. Tinago ko kasi para remembrance. We were so close...  only the sound of our breaths and teh rain can be heard.  We were wet and yu stepped on a mud pot!!! HAHAHA ..


...
 ..na kung maibabalik ko lang ay dapat tinapakan ko rin para parehas tayu
:(
:(


haaaayz

Apparently we got lost and we didn't know where we ended up. Basta may PTT nun...yung gasoline station? We checked its convenience store pero wla tayung binili.. kaya we rode a jeepney and dropped off at P.gil.

We ate at 7Eleven, I chose party foods kasi nga b.day mu. May ice.cream rin!! Lame yung foods but that's the only store open by that time. Then I gave yu *Zents.Playlist*
   .shit.
=(

naalala ko yun yung regalo ko sayo...thinking now, i couldve given yu somethin better coz that CD will never equate to yur worth to me..



..at kung mas maganda siguro hindi mo na rin ibabalik sakin...
shit..  shit talaga...shit na iyak toh!!!
;(




ahh basta ayun lumabas na tayu and yu were about to ride,

but yu hugged me first juz like what yu promised/
GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!OOHQIHOQQQQQ AYoko na di ko na makita keyboadrd sa luha na toH!!!

SALamat po Kyu Zent ko!!!!

Lamu po i can do a more detailed version of this ..kaya lang hindi ko magawa gawa kasi naiiyak ako ng sobra.

parang itong blog na to, i said i will create one to post my thank yu's for everything..pero puro kalungkutan ko lang nailalagay ko....
...sorry ..nakakalungkot po kasi tlga... !!!!



 ang hirap lang, that was supposedly your day but yu made it mine
I was supposed to make yu happy but in the end im the happiest..

kaya po kung alam mo lang sana..
na nandirito ako,,Shit!! This is soooooo sad!!

i'm keepin it all..
lalagyan ng icecream
yung payong
yung bag na nilagyan ko ng payong
yung picture naten

but most of all
~my promise.. .i will never leave yu.


and all the memries. ~I'll never let anyone take it away from me. yun yung pinakatreasure ko sa buhay na to..



 it's been six years, but until now everything still feels raw, ultra clear on my mind.




Salamat po.

YDec13 2011 03.27

four years.and a day ago ~poorly constructed entry 
 
December 12, 2007 22.44


I'm sad @ this moment.... :(
i laugh but the truth is I'm really not laughing. I keep on making myself busy for me not to notice the feeling that's unknown inside me...You know what, when I'm alone...its like im in a different world. World wherein only my frustrations and sadness exists..

   sigh.

Tomorrow ill go back to that place.
Im excited. I'll be in that place again..

"It's hard when you don't know what causes your sadness


-But it's even harder whe you know what makes you sad
     yet you can't do anything about it. =(  "



i can remember those days... I wrote lots of things in the cards that I have given him..
...now i'll write on the card I bought yesteray..and i dont know exactly what to say there. sigh..

  I dont know when he will be able to read or received my card...it saddens me...but im just saying to myself that someday



...yeah....


 -...someday...definitely someday..he will get to read my card. ..and he'll know that Im still here..the same me..


and someday..

 ...someday he will understand me.

I know now what to write.. That card is not for me
but for him..so ill try to make him happy by my words which I will write there.

     
                                                                                          "Obscure "

YDec13 2011 03.19

   so many years gone
 still i remember

YDec12 2011 23.05

passed by this /Grocery

YDec12 2011 14.58

 It's hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember~

YDec11 2011 14.34

     don't fade away on me-

YDec11 2011 03.53

So Leona Lewis covered Iris on her "Hurt EP", and like what i've expected, her take made the song darker, sadder. Now i've to remove the original version on my Subtle Moment playlist, and insert her version.

There's also this one deep song originally by Nine Inch Nails which I think will

and the lines     _might make it to my "Melancholy" playlist.

Everyone i know
Goes away in the end


You are someone else
i am still right here

YDec11 2011 03.19

 
    -it sucks not feeling normal

YDec09 2011 10.30

 

YIPEEEE!! They got approved!! ^^ 

i'm free that day =)

YDec09 2011 10.01

   I know yu're gone, yu said yu're gone,
but I can still feel yu here

YDec09 2011 09.50

 remember that day when yu found me?


i hope yu'll find me again 

YDec08 2011 14.26

                                                                             Nissan
    tis' makin me cry inside-

YDec08 2011 14.18

 this haunting feeling again..


i feel so alone..

   faught it by watchin some gag vidz on youtube, laughed a lil.
can't let mom notice.

tis' juz sick-





i feel so alone..
i feel so alone..

YDec08 2011 11.48

  remember Spy.Call ?
     *shit. DontWannaCry*

YDec08 2011 11.44

 have yu ever wondered why i always save our conversations?



    on the back of my mind i guess somehow i knew  -yu'll leave me..
and those recordings are what will be with me forever. ;(

haayz.

YDec07 2011 6.37

YDec07 2011 03.46

 first sms sent /iphone

YDec06 2011 11:00

 Dec13 is yet again nearing. .time flies

     and here I am, thinkin what my "present.that.will.never.reach.yu" fo this year will be.

YDec06 2011 10.55

 Naalala ko sabi ko nuon sabay nating unang panoorin yung music.video nito...gang ngeon di ko parin pinapanood.

  Love takes time
     to heal when yu're hurting so much-

YDec03 2011 05.08

YDec02 2011 7.02

I might be crazy
a fool


but this feeling is not ordinary. not somethin people will understand. and i dont care.

YNov30 2011 15.09

  so i am stalking yu online instead of sleepin. -4real.4real/nuffsaid

YNov29 2011 5.47

 Does it really make someone a fool,



          if he chooses fantasy over reality?

Ice: Back to my original plan~

Ice: Back to my original plan~: I'm ashamed of what Ive become. I realized I'm straying tooooo far from the person I want to be. I wonder if you will ever be proud of me ...

YNov30 2011 05.29

  anu kayang ginagawa mo ngeon?

YNov29 2011 12.04

My cry line for today:

I kept my distance so yu would be free

When will I see you again
You left with no goodbye
Not a single a word was said
No final kiss to seal any sins
I had no idea in the state we were in

I know I have a fickle heart
And a bitterness and a wandering eye and a heaviness in my head

[chorus]
But don't you remember
Don't you remember
The reason you left me before
Baby, please remember me once more

When was the last time
You thought of me
Oh have you completely erased me from your memory
I often think about where I went wrong
The more I do the less I know


I know I have a fickle heart
And a bitterness and a wandering eye and a heaviness in my head

[chorus]
But don't you remember
Don't you remember?
The reason you left me before
Baby, please remember me once more

Gave you the space so you could breathe,
I kept my distance so you would be free,
And hope that you find the missing piece,
To bring you back to me,

[chorus]
Why don't you remember?
Don't your remember?
The reason you left me before
Baby, please remember me once more

When will I see you again

YNov29 2011 12.02

how come songs have those lines that can instantly drop a ton in your chest?
yung swak na swak..at bloody hell ang sakit T.T

       Imma call em my cry lines.

when all of a sudden I'll just stare into nothingness and cry

YNov29 2011 11.55

    just call me by "that" name... and i'll return

YNov29 2011 11.05

 there are times I wish yu know everything..

then I'll get hit by "whatever, it wont even matter" :(

YNov29 2011 6.54

I miss the days when the two of us can just talk about anything in this world.

YNov24 2011 05.50

 ang kulit lg tlga. juz after my last post RMTW played sa kabilang bay. kasama to sa subtle.momentz ah

I'll make a wish for yu/ hope it will come true-

AAANG LUUUUNGKOOOOOOT!!!!!!! GRAAAAAH
*kailangan.wag.umiyak* :(

YNov24 2011 05.41

Ngayon naman si ateng Carmel (yung maintainance dito sa bdlg.) ang nagtanong kung baket ako malungkot?? 

   Does it really show!?!?!? GRRRRRRRRR i thought I'm doin a good job in hiding it!

YNov22 2011 14.40

I REALLY should find somfn worthy to do
 to keep my mind from thinkin ov yu -shit, that rhymes.

YNov22 2011 14.13

Weird..watching Laddaland made me realize bout my father ..and


how sad life is .. <deep.sigh>

YNov22 2011 12.22

If I'll be gone forever
    -I'm sure no one will miss me.

YNov21 2011 13.42

how come whenever you say hi..


 
    it feels like you mean _goodbye?
:(

YNov20 2011 12.53

The world could die
and everything may lie/still you shan't cry

-yeah right.

YNov20 2011 02.42

In high spirit when you e.mailed.  You remembered...

then I just I blinked, your gone once again.

that was toooo fast.
=(

YNov19 2011 02.44

Ulti mo si Ateng guard tinatanong na ko kung baket ilang araw na kong malungkot? WT...

YNov18 2011 20.00

How come i feel indifferent when someone says they are there for me/ "tell me your prob" and the likes. i was clumsy i txted one colleague saying i wanted to die and she replied with comforting words. Didnt raise my spirit wutsoever.

i thought of opening up but i know that'll dumb of me...juz gonna get myself into trouble.

i dont know why but i view everybody now as my enemy. No one i can fully trust.


 so yeah, i closed my world.

YNov18 2011 15.11

so yeah, you found someone better...

     I don't wanna go deep don't wanna go into details.


  it makes breathing so hard.
;(     ;(      ;(    ;(    ;(     ;(     ;(

YNov18 2011 14.16

After two long years.. you messaged me on my yahoo.mail..
I was extremely surprised.. . .
    
    is it bcoz yu found out I've been stalking you lately?

or is it because you can sense yur on my mind a lot this past few weeks?


well I think I spent half hour thinking what to send back -and it has been more than an hour now I'm staring on my inbox for your reply..

YNov17 2011 23:45

Kanina hindi ko alam, ginising ako ni papa, tapos pag

kababa ko si mama naka oxygen at para nanamang isda na

wala sa tubig..bago ko matulog maayos na maayos naman

sya eh...

  Which do yu think is harder?

A situation where in yu suddenly lose someone and move on through time..

or yur moving on through time with the repeating fear of losing the one you love?

YNov17 2011 04.14

This day


 thinking of you made my productivity went down ..70%

YNov17 2011 02.53

If the day should ever come

That the love we found has gone

And the dreams we shared have drifted away

Though i know the golden sun

Still shines down on everyone

My cold world would never be the same

So I'll send a prayer

One day you'll see

Someday you'll realize

How everything you are

How everything you are to me

i can't expect you to know

Something that i never show

But the whirling of the world gets in the way

And it's not that i don't care

And it's not that i don't wanna share

But some of these words are just too big to say

So I'll send a prayer

Someday you'll see

One day you'll realize

I'll send a prayer

Someday you'll see

One day you'll realize

How everything you are

How everything you are to me

YNov 17 2011 14.50

Still wear the scars like it was yesterday  
But yur long gone and moved one

YNov 17 2011 14.23

I turned into his official stalker.Nuffsaid :(

YNov17 2011 06 22

just went to the rest.room to cry
;(

YNov 2011 14.47

I thought it would be easier after the first post, but I'm wrong again. Alone, words slips me. I wanna write but I dont know what to write. Mediocre phrases greets me. So I turn to songs. I am glad they are here to provide a picture of my current insides.

The intro music played -I feel empty.

Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
I'm smiling but I'm dying trying not to drag my feet
And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over town

My Warning-

Dunno why I created this crap. Dunno how to start. Guess this is one of those times when the ton inside my chest is taking over and giving in seems like a favor, a rest in my long battlefield. I'm ashamed I know my writing never can equate to what im feeling inside but sadness is currently maneuvering my hand, taking its chance to break free. I'm about to text you now but I'll fail that fight I've been on for three years. Creating this site seems less embarrassing.

I know no one will intentionally be here, and if in case you stumbled here reading this crap ...then

       go one, be gone, hit X. This shitload is just my sadness. Wont do you any good -TA